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Monday, July 9, 2012

NES Replay: 3-D World Runner

3D World Runner Title Screen
Developer: Square
Publisher: Acclaim
Released: 1987
Music: Like the baby from Eraserhead
In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: 3D World Runner.


The Tale of 3D World Runner, or, a Play in Four Acts.

INT - HOME OFFICE - AFTERNOON

The young, dashing, virile REVIEWER sits at his desk. His computer is turned on and at the ready, while his WIFE sits in the other room on her iPad.

REVIEWER
All right, now it is time to try out 3D World Runner! It’s by Square, so it should be good!

Reviewer clicks a few icons on his computer and begins to play.

REVIEWER
Oh, look, these graphics are actually pretty neat! There are some columns blocking my path, so I had better not hit them! This music is also very bouncy and light! I shall have fun today!


END ACT 1

ACT 2

Reviewer looks flustered.

REVIEWER
Boy, this is more difficult than I thought! Why don’t I have a weapon? I am so tired that I shall run into a column.

A MUSHROOM pops out of the column.

REVIEWER
A mushroom! What luck! It looks so inviting, and I have been trained since birth to believe that mushrooms are good for video game characters, so I will pick it up!

Reviewer’s character dies after touching the mushroom.

REVIEWER
Well, that is unfortunate, and more than a little odd. This game is also quite repetitive and difficult to control, as well as boring. This music is still nice and fun, though.



END ACT 2

ACT 3

Reviewer is looking at his wife with an embarrassed look on his face.

WIFE
Will you please turn the sound down on that stupid game?

REVIEWER
That is indeed something I can do, for indeed I should like to claw my own ears out with a rusty screwdriver. I shall put it at a volume that it will not disturb you, but will only bother me.

WIFE
Why are you talking like that? You’re weird.

REVIEWER
Verily this is true! However, I have found the weapons in this game, and I am making great progress! I have fought a boss, and now I shall get to the next world, where surely the music in the game must change!

Reviewer gets to the next level.




END ACT 3

ACT 4

Reviewer is huddled under the desk while the music continues to play, mocking his very soul.

REVIEWER
All I see is blackness. Upon my eyes, a veil of tears has shrouded my vision, enveloping my soul and deepening the solitude of my heart. Woe to those who play 3D World Runner! Woe to the children, the elderly, the kind and pure-hearted who toiled away to procure such a foul cartridge of plastic and metal! Woe to-

WIFE
If you hate this game so much, why don’t you stop playing?

REVIEWER
Nay, I cannot do such a thing! For in the day of doing so, I am bound to have broken the sacred pact sworn by my fathers and my forefathers, and my forefathers’ fathers, and such will great tragedy enter into-

WIFE
Why did I marry you again?

REVIEWER
You have bad taste in men.

WIFE
Fair enough.




EXEUNT.

Final Grade:


Next week: 720.

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