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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Weird Rulership Situations In Gaming Part 2: Ridley

SCENE: SPACE PIRATES LAIR

CHARACTERS: RIDLEY, OTHER VARIOUS SPACE PIRATES

Ridley: OK, I know that times are tough. We've been beaten when we tried to use Phazon as a weapon. We tried to harness Metroids as a weapon, and that didn't work out so well-

Pirate 1: I still have suction and bite marks all over me.

Ridley: Ye-e-e-ss, we all do. We all do. But this time I have a plan that will totally work!

Pirates: Let's hear it!

Ridley: OK, here it is: We go back to Planet Zebes and try using the Metroids AGAIN!

(stunned silence)

Ridley: It's a winner, right? Zebes? Metroids?

(crickets)

Ridley: So, we're just going to use the same tunnels that we've already used before. I mean, why change a good thing, right?

Pirate 1: You know, I'm not sure this plan will work.

Ridley: What? How can you say that? It's foolproof.

Pirate 2: Except do you remember why our plans haven't worked before? The crazy lady in the armor who always kills a bunch of us and kicks the crap out of you?

Ridley: It was a draw the last time we fought.

Pirate 2: Yeah, sure. Anyway, wouldn't it maybe a bad idea to go back to the same place that she beat you already? I mean, she already knows the tunnels, and-

Ridley: Look, I know things went badly the last time. I know this. That's why I have help. This will work, trust me.

Pirate 1: Oh, who's the help?

(excited chatter)

Ridley: All right, I'll show you! I know I'm excited about this addition to our team. Let's give a big Space Pirate welcome to...Mother Brain!

A curtain falls, revealing a huge grotesque, fleshy, pulsating brain in a jar.

(stunned silence)

Ridley claps his wings excitedly.

Pirate 1: Listen, Ridley. We've worked with you for a while, and it's been great. It really has. I mean, we've been plundering and wreaking havoc, and we all have some really good memories. But we've done this all before, and I think it...might be time for a new direction.

Ridley: What?! Why?

Pirate 2: Look, I know you're trying your hardest, but we all need to recharge our batteries for a bit. Maybe you should take a little vacation, catch some sun...

Ridley: You KNOW I hate sunlight.

Pirate 1: It doesn't matter. We're not doing this again.

Ridley: Doing what?

Pirate 1: Hiding out in the same tunnels, trying to get the same Metroids, trying to harness their power...I mean, this isn't going to work! (stands up) How can we get help from a giant brain when it can't even handle having it's jar being broken?

Pirate 1 throws chair at Mother Brain's jar. A slight crack appears.

Ridley: Don't do that!

Pirate 1: What, or it'll make a mess all over the floor that'll take the janitors a week to clean up? Oh, boo-hoo!

Pirate 1 throws another chair. The glass shatters and the brain falls on the floor with a sickeningly wet thud.

Pirate 1: THERE. Now let's all move on with a different plan. I'm thinking-

Mother Brain: RAHAAHHAGGGGGHHHH

Mother Brain sprouts a body with arms and legs and shoots a beam of pure thought energy at Pirate 1, vaporizing him and leaving behind only a sooty pile of wet ashes.

Mother Brain looks offended and climbs back inside her broken jar with a hurt look on her face.

Ridley: Now look, you've hurt her feelings. Everyone apologize.

(murmured apologies around the room)

Ridley: OK, so let's go find another Metroid! Who's with me!

(murmured, unenthusiastic agreement)

END SCENE.