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Friday, September 30, 2011

Ironclad Brewers Playoff Predictions

With the Brewers starting the playoffs tomorrow, I figured I would break down how each game is going to go. These are ironclad predictions, so you may not even need to watch the games.

Game 1: Yovani Gallardo pitches 9 innings and throws 27 strikeouts. Ryan Braun hits like 5 home runs and all of the Diamondbacks start crying in the dugout. Kirk Gibson breaks his leg during a particularly strong sob.

Game 2: Zack Greinke pitches 8 innings only because he got bored and sent out a pitching machine in an attempt to make the game even. The pitching machine gets 2 strikeouts and induces a groundout to end the game. Prince Fielder pulls down his pants and poops on Daniel Hudson at midfield after hitting his fourth home run as Hudson curls into the fetal position.

Game 3: The Brewers get to the Arizona stadium only to find that the Diamondbacks are still in their hotel rooms in Milwaukee, rending their garments and throwing ashes in the air. The Brewers decide to give the Diamondbacks some time to get to the stadium, so they postpone Game 3.

Game 3 (Redux): The Diamondbacks walk in to the stadium dragging their bats behind them, each with the expression of a man being led to the gallows. Each player has changed their walkup music to "Leaving on a Jet Plane."

The game begins with Stephen Drew lacing a hit to the outfield. That is the last hit they will get. By the sixth inning they're not even bringing a bat up to the plate, just weakly swinging at each pitch with their hand. After each at-bat, Jonathan Lucroy licks each batter's faces and says, "Your tears are like sweet wine to me."

The Brewers advance to the NLDS, leaving the Diamondbacks questioning the existence of God.