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Monday, December 31, 2012

NES Replay: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Developer: Winkysoft
Publisher: Seta
Released: 1989
Wait: The developer's name is "Winkysoft?"
Oh man.
In NES Replay, we go through each NES game from A-Z to see if they're any good. Today: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

CHAD and STEVE sit down in PUBLISHER'S office. The PUBLISHER sits behind his large, mahogany desk, flicking hot cigar ash onto a MANSERVANT who winces with each flick of the PUBLISHER'S wrist.

CHAD
(exhausted)
OK, sir, we finished making The Addams Family: Puggsley's Scavenger Hunt like you promised. It was hard, but we managed to get it out the door.

STEVE
Now, if you'll just listen to our idea for a game-

PUBLISHER
So my kid brought home a book the other day.

(silence)

CHAD
What book did he-

PUBLISHER
Don't interrupt me! My oldest son brought home this Tom Sawyer book. He doesn't know how to read, though.

STEVE
I thought your son was twelve.

PUBLISHER
When you have money, you pay people to read for you. Anyway, this got me thinking: It doesn't cost nothing to use the Tom Sawyer name. It's... whaddyacallit... public domain or something. So why don't we just make any old game and slap the Tom Sawyer name on it!

CHAD
That seems a little... dishonest.

PUBLISHER
Nah, stupid kids don't know how to pick out games anyway. Anyway, my son took some peyote that he found in my desk drawer while looking at the cover of Tom Sawyer. He told me he saw a squid on top of the book and mice darting around the room. I want that in the game!

STEVE
What, squid and mice?

PUBLISHER
Yes!

CHAD
Have you ever read Tom Sawyer? There are no squid or mice anywhere in the book. Now, maybe we could have a whitewashing sequence...

STEVE
Yes! Where Tom convinces his friends to do the fence-

The PUBLISHER bangs his fist on the desk, making everyone in the room jump. The MANSERVANT whimpers.

PUBLISHER
Listen, you morons! I didn't ask for a creative idea! I want a game where you dodge mice and battle squid and call it "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer!" I don't care about your stupid "ideas!" Just make the game! Have it on my desk in the morning!

CHAD
That's insanity! You gave us three days for the last one!

PUBLISHER
Fine, take a week! Whatever! Now get out before I stop being so generous!

The PUBLISHER puts out his cigar on his MANSERVANT'S forehead, which makes a loud, smoldering hiss. A lone tear forms in the manservant's eye. CHAD and STEVE race out of the office while the PUBLISHER mutters to himself.

PUBLISHER
Making games would be so much easier if they just made themselves.

Final Rating:


Next week: After Burner